The Bicycle Curmudgeon: Regarding the RIGHT WAY TO RIDE!

The thing is, all of us who ride, and who have been riding for any length of time (A “length of time” is defined as “more than three months”) have strong opinions about what constitutes Correct Cycling.  There are more than a few cults in our sport.  Adherents of each tend to believe (wrongly) that theirs is the only way.  These cults can be grouped and identified.

THE GREATER WAYS (Distinguished by actually riding a bicycle.)

Path of the Pro

The true way to enlightenment is speed and correct cycling fashion.  (If you can’t be fast at least look fast.  In this fashion your lies will have more credence.  Traffic signals (most esp. stop signs) are there to be violated.  After all, “Share the road, Damnit!”  This seeker will never ride the bike as a means of getting anywhere, but will transport it to the site of the “group training ride.”  The “group training ride” is a race without rules.  All crashes are considered to be the fault of someone else.  The rider’s maximum speed will always be stated as the average speed for the ride.  In this way, a 20 mile ride that took an hour and forty minutes will be declared an “average speed” of 19 mph.  Basic tenet:  Courtesy if for wimps.  Path to enlightenment:  Act Like a Pro! (or at least as you imagine a pro to act.)

Path of the Events

This rider stores the bike until it is time to “train” for the BIG EVENT.  They ride one, or at most two of these events (usually heavily supported one day rides, or cross state tours) per year.  “Training” consists of taking the bike to the shop a month before the event, and complaining about any delay time, as they must “start training” for the event.  At the core, this rider believes in their superiority, granted by riding an (exaggerated) distance.  Article of Faith:  The longest day of the tour is to be given as the distance of the average day of the tour.  This rider gains, on average, 15 pounds every year, until they stop riding at age 50.

Path of the Magical Miles

The only thing of importance to this rider is “How far?”  They track milage meticulously.  They ride for two and a half seasons of the year.  They will seek out the flattest possible routes, in order to increase the mileage ridden at any given time.  Speed is important to them, but only in so much as it increases mileage.  This rider typically logs 3500 to 4500 miles a year.  They will quit riding for the year as soon as the “goal” is reached.  They will then decondition horribly.  They will stop riding for good after missing an annual mileage goal for two years in a row.  At that point this rider usually converts to the Path of the Idle Bike  (see below).

The Way of the Facility

This chela is only seen on rail-trails, in-city bike paths, parks with bike paths, or other off-road facilities.  They are afraid to ride on the road because they are lousy and inattentive drivers and so think everyone else is too.  They are often lousy and inattentive cyclists, and are a menace to themselves and everyone around them.  This is why “facilities” are dangerous places to ride.

The Rad Way

Mountain biking is the only biking.  Owns one medium to high end bike, which is always covered in mud, and always mounted on a roof rack, or in the back of a pickup.  This individual’s idea of “maintenance” is,  “Take it to the shop when it breaks, and bitch a lot and loudly when they can’t fix it, clean it immaculately, lubricate it in detail, and restore it to show-room condition today.”  Most active in the Fall and early Spring.  Afraid of snakes, insects, and spiders.  Emphasize technical skill over fitness.  Wednesday Weed.  Will usually leave the sport after suffering a major bone breakage in middle age, or after being busted.

Path of the Commuter

This rider believes in the moral rectitude of “utility cycling.”  They are (justifiably) proud of riding to work.

The Unfolding Way of the 20 Inch Wonder

BMX riders.  Freestylers.  Facotry.  Industrial.  Flat Land.  Dirt Jumper.  This method waxes and wanes.  Currently it is waning, losing adherents to the Stationary Practice of the Sacred X-Box.

Path of the Randonnuer

The Randonnuers (or Randos) believe that they are the true keepers of the flame.  Their practice is to ride ridiculous distances, involving lousy roads with lots of climbing, in cruddy weather.  They speak grandly of “camaraderie” but usually they are riding alone…  in the dark…  in the rain…  on an old bike….  And lost.  Their holy grail is Paris-Brest-Paris, where they will get to ride alone in cruddy weather, with thousands of other riders, none of whom speak the language.

The Hipster Journey

Fixed Gears.  No brakes.  Tight “girl jeans,” with wide leather belts worn backwards, piercings, tattoos, designer messenger bags (with nothing in them), and ever-present video equipment are the hallmarks of this sect.

Path of the Flounder

Just get on a bike and noodle around with no purpose whatsoever.  Oddly, these folks might have something.

Path of the “Trike”

Tri-athletes.  The “Trike” thinks that he/she is a cyclist.  (This is a completely mistaken idea!)  Most trikes are guilty of “secret racing” at every opportunity.  This adherent is almost always an addicted runner, who entered tri-sport due to accumulated impact injuries.  Basic tenet of faith: The best way to train for cycling, or swimming (or anything) is by running.  They will eventually sustain a crippling injury or a debilitating degenerative condition and stop exercising.  They will then get fat and die.

THE LESSER WAYS (Bicycles are involved, but seldom, if ever ridden.)

The Way of the Huffy

Mantra:  They’re all the same.  Bike shops just rip you off.  A “Schwinn” at WalMart is just as good.”  They don’t ride because the bikes they own can not be ridden.  They own a bike because a doctor or spouse has told them they are seriously overweight and should ride a bike to lose some pounds.  When the nagging is serious enough, they will try to ride the WalMonster Wrek once.  It will break.  They will then take the $95.00 junker to the shop in the back of their $55,000.00 German SUV and bitch about the repair price.

The Path of the Idle Bike

Own one entry to mid-level bike (usually either an ancient Schwinn Collegiate or a hybrid) which is kept in a basement, garage, shed, or attic for years on end.  Every ten years this adherent will take the bike into a shop for a “tune up” and to have the unworn-but –dry-rotted tires replace.  They will then ride the bike once for less than an hour, and return it to storage for another ten years.

The Tao of the Aging Former BMXer

Practiced by overweight males in the age range of 25 to 35 years.  Mantra:  “I was once State Champion.”  (Note:  All former BMX riders were “once state champions.”  If true, then every kid who ever owned a 20” bike was once an super-competitor and an Olympic prospect.)

The Unmoving Path

This searcher after knowledge believes that riding a stationary trainer, in a gym spin class, is cycling.  ‘Nuff said.

The Golf Path

A golfer’s article of faith:  Cyclists and Fishermen are the world’s biggest liars.  (They are only 2/3 right.)  Would not be caught dead on a bicycle.  Must use the largest motorized conveyance available at all times.  Golfers and Mountain Bikers are like cobras and mongoose, natural enemies.