The Unnatural Laws of Cycling

Fundamentals:

It can be scientifically determined that any closed loop, when ridden on a bicycle is uphill and against the wind, all the way around, in both directions.

If a road is flat, and two cyclists are riding on it at the same time, the following will be found to be true.

1. The riders are heading in opposite directions.
2. The riders are heading toward each other.
3. Both riders are climbing
4. Both riders are experiencing a headwind.
5. When the riders meet, two tractor trailer trucks, three SUVs, and a large motor home will all converge on that location, at exactly that moment, from both directions.

If a cyclist is riding alone on a road, eventually he will see another cyclist ahead of her.  When this occurs, the following will be found to be true in all cases.

1. The cyclist ahead will be riding an inferior machine, and will be in obviously much poorer physical condition.
2. It will prove impossible to overtake this leading rider. 

If a cyclist is riding alone on a road, eventually she will see another cyclist behind him.  When this occurs, the following will be found to be true in all cases.

1. The cyclist ahead will be riding an inferior machine, and will be in obviously much poorer physical condition.
2. It will prove to be impossible to stay ahead of this following rider.

Traffic Signals:

Traffic lights will always change to favor the motorist, and in such a way as to place the cyclist in the most dangerous and disadvantageous position possible.

Traffic lights will not recognize a waiting cyclist, no matter how many automotive vehicles are waiting on either side of the intersection, unless the rider is severely winded and desperately in need of breathing time.

A green light, at a totally empty intersection, will recognize an approaching cyclist and turn red.

The interval of change of a traffic signal is dependent on weather.  Lights change much more slowly in severe cold, heat, or when it’s raining.

Brakes:

Brakes will work perfectly, when not applied on a fast descent.

Brakes will fail, when applied on fast descents.

Brakes will work poorly in the rain, until just after reaching the oil slick.

The brakes that will hardly slow the bike, will lock up just at the beginning of the sprint.

There are two kinds of brakes, the ones that work splendidly and thus ruin your wheels, and the ones that preserve your wheels by not working at all.

The Italians are doing developmental work on a third kind of brake, one that doesn’t work, but still manages to ruin the wheel.

Tires:

Tires will flat at the bottom of the next hill.

Tires will flat in the rain.

Tires will not flat at home, unless it is just before a critical ride, and the rider is running late.  If the latter case obtains, tires will flat, tire levers will break, a spare will have a hole in it, and the pump will fail.

High end tires will fail quickly.  So will low end tires.

Systems meant to prevent flats (chemical goo inside the tires, belts, heavy duty tubes, etc.)  will attract bigger road hazards, and will flat anyway, while increasing the weight of the bike.

Your riding partner bought a set of new tire and achieved incredible results in handling, tread wear, flat resistance, and longevity.  You buy the exact same set of tires (at the new increased price) and they fail completely the day after the (now greatly reduced) warrantee expires.

Meanwhile, the 22 year old fat kid, riding a 15 year old set of dry rotted 27X1 ¼ inch beasts achieves outstanding results.

The other guy’s tires are always better.

New Bikes:

The bike that you weighed at the store, will be five pounds heavier after you purchased it.

You will struggle, diet, exercise, and train like a demon.  You will buy the most expensive, lightest wonderbike on the market.  After taking delivery of the bike, some combination (or all) of the following will happen:

1. An overweight 22 year old, on a 10 year old rattletrap will clean your clock, publicly.
2. Your chain will drop off to the inside, jamming your driveline and rear wheel, during the city limit sprint.
3. You will flat halfway through the first ride.  (see Tires)
4. You will crash (violently) if you attempt to race in the first two months of ownership.
5. Two months after taking delivery of your new bike, it will be obsolete, and ten pounds heavier.

Weight:

Your bike is always heavier than anyone else’s.

Your water weighs more than the other guy’s and you have to carry more of it.

If you attempt to reduce weight by leaving tools behind, you will immediately need them.  (The converse is not true.)

Light weight wheels are a joy.  They ride wonderfully.  But:

1. Light weight wheels are expensive.
2. Light weight wheels will not stay true.  (Neither will heavy ones.)
3. Light weight wheels will fail, early and often.
4. Save your light weight wheels for the races.  (That way, when they fail, you will have an excuse.)

The magic material in your new super light components will transmute to osmium one month after purchase.  Osmium has no special properties, it is just very dense, and therefore extremely heavy.

You and your prime competitor are the same body type and weight.  You decide to gain an advantage by becoming lighter.  It follows that:

1)   You will starve, diet, and train like a demon.  After months of privation and agony, you will lose five pounds.

2)   Your competitor will go on a “beer and bratts diet,” and will gain five pounds.

3)   He will still be lighter (and faster) than you are.

Light weight components and accessories are extremely expensive, fail more frequently, and become heavier with use.

The guy on the 45 pound tourist, with 25 pounds of crap in his panniers, is having more fun than you are.  (And he’s faster.)

All bikes weigh 50 pounds:

1. A 20 pound bike needs a 30 pound lock and chain.
2. A 30 pound bike needs a 20 pound lock and chain.
3. A 50 pound bike needs no lock and chain. 

Speed:

Speed kills.

Speed is the holy grail.

Don’t train, buy a faster bike!

Speed is fun.

You can’t buy speed.

Everyone else is always faster sometimes.  (That time is when you are trying to be faster than they are.)

You are always fastest when no one is looking.

You will be at your slowest in the race.

Conclusion:

If the above facts and laws of nature annoy, upset, or discourage you, you should seek a more pleasurable pastime than cycling.

Corollary:

Learn to love it.  There is no pastime more pleasurable than cycling!