I’ve said it before, and often, “Ride long enough and everything happens to you, good or bad.”
Necessary Parental Discretion Alert: The topic of this post is somewhat delicate in nature. This is biology, folks. Readers inclined to queasiness about natural bodily functions may wish to skip this post.
This one came up as a request while we were standing around waiting for a ride to start last week. There was a general interest in the topic, so here it is.
First of let me deliver a very important and pertinent note. I’m not kidding about this, and it is potentially serious. WARNING! If you are caught peeing in the bushes, in the State of Georgia, you will be charged as a Sex Offender! This could be a serious problem! Use extreme discretion!
If you ride long enough, you are going to be confronted with a delicate problem. Sooner or later you are going to have to face a situation in which you must answer “nature’s call,” and there will not be a handy little private room available. In the absence of a societally sanctioned porcelain defecatorium, what is a poor (and desperate) cyclist to do? Sometimes it’s a simple case of overcrowding. . I’ve found myself stuck without TP in a port-a-potty, at some pretty large events. Bad. I’ve also had the occasion where I found that I was one of approximately 1,987,254 riders waiting to use the only portable toilet.
Be prepared! 1) Carry toilet paper. 2) Carry soap/hand sanitizer.
For longer rides, whether solo, sanctioned events, supported charity events, or whatever, carry toilet paper. I’ve found that things can happen. In this area, it’s wise to be able to be self-reliant. Incidentally, it’s nice if the toilet paper you are carrying is bio-degradable. Cottonelle is one reliable brand. It is available in almost any large retail grocery. It is reasonably soft and strong.
How to carry it: Slowly roll two or three yards off of the roll. Roll this length of TP into a small cylinder. Now place the cylinder of re-rolled TP into a zip lock sandwich bag. Now place the package into another zip lock bag. Honest you want this stuff to be sealed up. You do not want it getting wet from rain or sweat! There. You have a nice, small, light package, ready to carry with you for those roadside emergencies.
Cleanliness: Mix an equal amount of liquid hand soap, and hand sanitizer. Place the resulting mixture in either a small, seal-able plastic container, or inside a zip lock baggie. Two to three ounces is enough to last you a long time, and has other uses beyond the scope of this discussion. (Consider: You may want to handle food after you’ve changed a tire.)
The Approach: Safety first!
You have decided that an informal, outdoor nature call is unavoidable. First, find a more rural and deserted area. Do not perform any of these functions in someone’s front yard!!!! It is best if you can find a wooded area, with a relatively flat shoulder between you and the road. Try to select a site that will not require climbing a fence.
Be cautious about traffic (for multiple reasons!) ride to the side of the road and stop. Dismount. Carry, or push your bike to the edge of the woods. (Really. Don’t ride off the road and across the shoulder. Crashes and flats only add more stress to an already bad situation.)
If you have riding partners, they can hold your bike. Otherwise, it’s probably a good idea to push it just inside the woods. It won’t signal your presence, and is liable to be there when you are finished.
Move carefully deep enough into the brush to be discretely screened from sight of passing motorists. Trust me on this! A car will come by, even on the most deserted of roads. More, it will come by at the most inconvenient moment.
Site Selection: This is somewhat dependent on who you are, and what you have to do. Generally, watch where you are stepping. Learn to identify poison plants, such as poison ivy, poison sumac, and trumpet vine. (See yesterday’s post on this.) Don’t step on snakes. Look for a clear spot with no vegetation on it. Look in all directions first. Can you see anyone? Are you going to be visible to a casual observer?
Select a spot that is not covered with foliage. Use the heel of your riding shoe or boot to kick leafy debris off of your site, and to gouge a small hole.
Now comes the delicate part. Drop your shorts to mid thigh, and squat down over your target. Complete your business, and then…
Now do you understand the part about carrying toilet paper and sanitizer. Use your toilet paper sparingly. Drop the used paper in the hole, and then kick the dirt and top debris back over it. Now a few drops of sanitizer/soap on the hands, and scrub. Use water from your bottle to rinse.
Additional Caution about plant life. Do not, under any circumstances, use plant leaves to wipe yourself or clean up. Any plant used in this fashion will turn out to be poison ivy. Trust me on this one. Further, if it has rained recently, be especially careful about brushing plant against plants. The blister agents in most of these things can transfer very well in water. If you think you have contacted any of the poison plants, wash the site of contact immediately.
Hopefully you won’t have to use this advice, but if you do, be careful, and keep it clean. Safe and happy riding to you all.
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