Thursday Thoughts: Rules of the Road?

If there is a one lane bridge on a road, and two vehicles are on the road, it can be demonstrated that they are heading in opposite directions, and they will meet at the bridge.

The phrase “competitive cyclist” is redundant.

You are approaching a 4-way stop in moderate traffic.  A normal and smooth “rotation” has been established at the intersection.  The vehicle in front of you goes through the intersection, and you advance to the stop line.  At this point the following sequence will occur:

First)  The driver whose turn it is will hesitate due to a distracting cell phone call.

B)  The opposing driver will be both incredibly impatient and aggressive.

3)  The remaining driver will attempt an un-signaled left turn after you begin to enter the intersection.

No matter how simple a traffic situation is, a redneck in a pickup truck can foul it up completely by turning left.

When you share the path with an elephant, if anyone stumbles, you lose.

The ones behind you are maniacs, the ones in front of you are idiots.

It can be demonstrated, that on any closed loop bicycle course, the entire loop is uphill all the way around.  In both directions.  Further, there will be a headwind at all times.

Blondes on cell phones have the right way.

No matter how complicated a traffic situation is, a redneck in a pickup truck can make it far worse by turning left.

Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you shouldn’t do it.

Flats are most likely to occur, at the farthest point in the ride, just before the heaviest downpour, when your pump breaks, and your spare also has a hole in it.

A certain method for having a flat.  Another rider has a flat.  You stop to help.  You give them your spare.  As soon as they are fixed, they ride away, while you are packing up.  All the other riders on the ride also ride off into the distance.  Now both your tires are flat.  (You will also find that someone else mistakenly took your pump.)

Being dead right doesn’t make you any less dead.

If used, sunblock will always get in your eyes just before you come to an extremely busy intersection or a truly hairy descent.

If used, sunblock will always get in your eyes.

You can’t cure stupid.

There is an apparent, severe shortage of blinker fluid.  How else to explain the lack of turn signal usage?

When it is about to rain, you will find

• The shortest distance to home is under construction.
• All lights are red.
• Your rain jacket is either at home, or has just ripped in two.
• Your phone battery is dead.
• You have a flat.
• Your legs are going to cramp.
• Traffic is getting heavier.
• Your shortcut is closed due to construction.
• Your tail light just burned out.
• You left your rain jacket at home.
• Your brake is dragging.
• Your shorts are chafing.
• Your shifter will refuse to select the most favorable and needed gear.

No matter which way you have to ride, it’s always uphill.

And against the wind.

Purchase and carry a rain cape.  Equip your bike with fenders.  Never leave home without a rain jacket.  Droughts are caused by this.

There is no limit to stupid.

In the middle of a “century drought,” the weather forecast is for 0% rainchance.  You remove your fenders and leave your rain gear at home.  Expect flash flooding and freezing conditions.

It’s not possible to make it rain by riding your bike, IF the rain is what you really want.

It is not humanly possible to carry too much water.

Or food.

There is no such thing as being too visible.

No matter how brightly illuminated and reflectorized the cyclist is, the motorist that hits her will claim that she was invisible.

Rabbits run away in straight lines.  This is why we call them rabbits.  Squirrels don’t and this is why we call them squirrels.

If there are just two bicycles in the same county, then there is no question about it, there will be a race.

The only flying insect in the county will hit the cyclist in the eye.

Unless the cyclist’s mouth is open.

Any group ride, consisting of three or more riders will “break” into at least two (if not three) groups.

There will be no automotive traffic on the road until a cyclist is approaching an intersection.

If there exists a six lane highway with only two vehicles upon it, it can demonstrated that one of the vehicles is a cyclist, and the other is a Dodge “dualie” pickup.  Further, the pickup will be approaching the cyclist from behind.  Further, the driver of the pickup will consider the cyclist to be in the way  and going too slowly.

Nothing moves through dense traffic faster than a cyclist…  Until a car door is opened in front of him.

On a freshly built and paved stretch of road, there will be exactly one microscopic shard of glass.  A cyclist riding on this stretch of road will roll over this bit of glass, and it will puncture both tires.

It is a blistering hot day.  At the exact moment that you run out of water,
1) no one else will be around. 
2)  Every store in the vicinity will have just closed.

There is no ground floor under stupid.  The elevator just keeps going down.

Helmets are positively charged.  Angry wasps carry a negative charge.

You prepare well for every eventuality.  If so the following is a certainty.  When you have a flat…  It is about to start raining.  Your pump will blow a seal.  Your spare already has a hole in it.  Your patch kit has dried out.  Your tire levers will break.  Your cell phone’s battery just went dead.

When riding on the road, always remember these four rules. 
1) You can’t win.
2) You can’t break even. 
3) You can’t get out of the game. 
4)  Yes, they are out to get you!

Corollary:  Even paranoids have enemies.

Cycling is a relaxing pastime, and will provide you with hours of enjoyment.